Of Being In The Middle.

I will be 25 this September. I can't believe I am 5 years away from being 30. And I don't think so that I am ready to be 30. Heck! I don't think so that I am ready to be 25 but age doesn't wait for anyone. So does death. But, let's not talk about death - yet.

Let's recap on all the wasted 25 years. Wait! What? Did I just say wasted? I didn't just say that! All my 25 years weren't wasted at all because I don't have regrets. Sure, I did fail here and there but because of all the failures, I am here where I am now. I am now a living proof that I succeed in all the things that I've failed.

Being 24 going to be 25, I feel more responsible. It's not that I didn't feel that before. I did but now - I really do feel it. I a few plans that I made that I must reach before the age of 30. And I promise myself that I must get it done by hook or by crook.

1. To get married by the age of 27 - For this one, maybe not by hook or by crook but yeah, I do feel the damn pressure when most of my friends are married and are getting married. Ever since I was a kid, I felt like for a woman to get married at the age of 27 is ideal enough. But that is not what my mom thinks. She thinks that the ideal age to get married for a woman is 24 onward. Maybe she has a point there but I don't know. If possible, to be honest, I want to get married right now. At this moment I am typing this because I have a guy that I want to spend my entire life with. Mungkin bunyi macam gatal nak kahwin tapi nasib la! Haha! We can't get married yet because both of us are not fully ready. Semua ni kerja Tuhan. Bila da sampai waktu, kahwin la. Sekarang ni, aku dengan dia just kerja and work towards it. InsyaAllah.

2. Own a house - I am planning to invest on a house because it'll be a place for me and my family to live in. Bukan rumah aku dengan Amirrul tapi rumah aku dengan Pok, Umi and adik beradik aku nanti. Kire macam rumah pusaka la. Yeah, that kinda house. Well, my dad has a house in Terengganu but at this moment he's renting it to a family of 7. So he has side income every month. But knowing my dad, moving to Terengganu will be a last resort because well, just don't ask but I know that he won't. The house we are currently living in for the past 12 years is a rental house. So, that is why I want to buy a house so that my whole family will move to the house and all of us will live together. My eldest sister has her own house in Putrajaya so dia boleh duduk sendiri dengan suami and anak-anak dia. And as for my house when I get married later - that is another story that I have to think of. Maybe that one will be under Amirrul's name and I will chip in to pay the bills or what. Yang tu nanti da kahwin pikir la.

3. Finish up my CIDTT - For those of you who didn't know, CIDTT stands for Cambridge International Diploma for Teachers and Trainers. Yes. I am studying at the moment. I know I did mention in my previous entries that I want to finish it up within a year but I can't. So yeah. This is a promise. I will promise my CIDTT before I get married so later when I am married, I won't to think about studies. Hohoho!

4. Get to be a trainer - I trained quite a few times over where I work. I trained new teachers and new admin exect. So, I am kinda getting used to it. I would say that once in every month I will have to train someone. But actually, trainer is my second choice. I want to run a Cambridge center. Have a center on my own and have my own assistant. It'll be a challenge but I will look at it in the eye. I know I can do it, of course. I just need more experience. It's been a straight 4 years now I am with Cambridge. And I know that I can definitely go somewhere from where I am now. There are options if look hard enough. Who knows, I may even be the owner of Cambridge English For Life Sdn. Bhd. one day. Hohohoho!! InsyaAllah. But to be honest, I would rather be a mother of 5 than be a CEO of a company :)

Those 4 are the things that I want to complete before I turn 30. InsyaAllah boleh! Except for the first one. That is because jodoh itu adalah kerja Allah. Saya hanya boleh plan tapi yang approve kan plan saya adalah Dia. So saya hanya boleh berusaha dan bertawakal :)

In life, no matter how many times we fail, it doesn't mean that we are a failure. Keep on trying, keep on praying and InsyaAllah, everything will be paid off.

Of normal life.

So basically life is just as normal for me. Nothing great happened really. I wouldn't really say that everything is going as how I planned it would be but let just say nothing unexpected happened. Basically things were and still are normal.

Life hadn't been to hard on me either. Either way - I'm still surviving. Let just say that I have a very normal life where I have to wake up in the morning to go to work and working from 9am to 6pm is just fine for 5 days a week. And on weekend I spend time with my family - you know, cooking together, dine together, get a little scolding from my parents once in a while, occasionally I would drive around town with my sisters blasting off the music like it's nobody's business. And because I work on Saturday so I have Monday off. And on Monday is basically the day that I run errands for my mom or dad. So yeah - it IS normal.

Currently listening to I Need You - OST for soap drama Nada Cinta.

Of what my grandmother said.

Kita hidup kat dunia jangan sombong sangat. Orang lain pun ada hati dan perasaan. - Tok Ma.

Of Keropok Lekor

Just face it, Mariam. You have nothing to write. You could hear the noises in your head, talking to you, arguing with you over matters that you yourself don't understand. And yet, here you are trying to put all of your thoughts into words but you just can't. You don't know where to start. You don't know where to begin. Or better still, you don't what to talk about because you don't know what are rummaging in your head now. Pity.

Just cope with them. You shall be fine. You are strong.

Mende la plak merepek ni, Cik Mariam ooii!!! Pegi buat assignment tu weh!

Of Your Wild Channel Hoodie.

I cried myself to sleep last night. I really cried. It didn't make me feel better. It made me feel worse. I know that crying isn't the answer. But what the hell - I cried anyway.

Maybe I cried because I was too emotional. I am having my monthly cycle but I can't use that as a reason. That would be too immature. Having my period is not a reason to be emotional. So why did I cry? Because I was sad. Because I couldn't take it anymore I guess. It was my mistake as well. I should know better. Oh well - it's the past now. No use of bragging about it anyways.

Life is pretty OK lately. Everything wasn't not going smoothly simple because it is life. It may be OK to some and it may not be to the others. For me - there were ups and downs. So I'm all cool. I don't want to complain much cause I know if I do complain - it'll get me nowhere.

I made a surprise visit to Bear's college last Wednesday. Well, not really a surprise because I told him two days earlier. But he was damn happy that I did. And I know that I was happy too. To see the look on his face when I arrived - it literally made my day. And I know it made his too.

I would say that last week was one of the best I've had. No. Not me. But one of the best we've had. We had the chance to spend one whole day to ourselves cause it's been ages since we did that. And both of us were super happy about it. We had breakfast together. OK. Not really breakfast but more like brunch, played games and basically having fun. I wish we could do that everyday.

I'll be 24 in another four months. Wow. That's not long, isn't it?

Time sure flies fast. Feels like just yesterday I dropped out of college and was just about to stand back on my two feet but boy, I'm wrong. It's been four years since I left college and I'm still standing. And I'm proud of it.

Basically - this blog is written cause I had no idea on what to write for my assignments. So yeah - more like a R&R kinda thing. Besides, it's been a while since I last made an entry.

Currently listening to Love Song by Big Bang.

Of wedding vows and nanti la dulu.

One by one of my friends are getting married. Some getting engaged. Wow. Congratulations. And some other - have babies. Legally of course. A friend of mine asked me "Ha ko weh, bile nak kawen? Kereta da ade. Keja da ade. Boyfriend da lame da couple. Kawen je la. Leh la ko join geng aku!" Oh! When she said this I was like "Ar..nanti la weh. Aq tunang la dulu kot. Nanti2 je la aq kawen. Haha.." And I know that that wasn't the answer I wanted to give her. The answer that I wanted to give was actually "........" Really. No joke.

OK. So maybe marriage at this age (23) is something you - or in this case, I - should think about. But the thing is I know that I am not ready to really really commit myself to marriage. I mean - I do want to get married but not now. I want to really really work first. Then - I will marry when the right time comes. Besides - I think there's more to life than thinking about it now. I mean my life that I am currently living in is disorganized so how do you expect me to live my life with someone - whom I think that someone's life is disorganized as well.

Song currently on my play list is I Have A Lover by Megan Lee. Originally sang by Lee Eun Mi.

Of Daegu Turtle

My lower wisdom tooth is killing me. I mean - literally. It's bleeding and you could (well, I could actually) see the gum swells. It's white and reddish as well and why the hell am I telling you I have no idea. I guess I just want to share. So yeah - I may want to extract it out but teeth are the only bones that I can see and I feel bad if I extract the last one out. But then again - according to the net - if I do not take good care of my wisdom teeth (all four) they will kinda like make the other bad...?? WHAT?? kalau tak jaga gigi bongsu sume nanti die akan berlubang and merebak ke gigi lain. so tu yang pikir nk cabut ke tak. so far yang sakit yang belah kanan bawah. Haha - I guess it's better if I explain it in Bahasa :)

I've been watching this anime tittle Angel Beats. About teenage souls trap in an afterlife where they are building a battlefront to fight an angel to see whether does God exist or not. macam tu la lebey kurang. The main character is a guy named Otonashi Yuzuru and he died cause he had a very bad heart problem. In the afterlife - a place where they go to school, play baseball and have missions to steal people's lunch coupons - he met a girl name Yuri. She's the leader of this Afterlife Battlefront group thingy. Anyway - things go on and yeah - one by one vaporize cause if you live your life as how you want it to be - you'll vanish. In order word - you'll meet God. actually agak susah nak explain cite ni cause die mcm susah sikit. sebenarnye senang je nak explain tapi mcm nk susun ayat yg susah. lol. I like the anime so I bought the DVD.

And lately I've been listening to 2PM - another Korean band. I don't know. Maybe cause they are different. I mean - Korean songs are. Before this I've listened to Avenged Sevenfold, All Time Low, Escape The Fate and those Warp Tour bands which I think is actually overrated now cause I - personally - think that most people listen to them. So yeah whatever. Anyway - I'm happy with what I am listening too. So should you.

My aunt passed away on the 20th October 2010. I was sad of course but somewhere in my heart - I was happy or rather thankful that she passed away. This was because she had cancers. Yup. That's cancer with a "s". It was breast and later it was brain - which took her life away. I will miss her - no doubt about that but I am not going to wallow in the past about this. Life has to go on. Let the dead be. We - the living - must go on. One day - we will die. trying to be "filosofik" what? is that even a word??!! :O

Current song playing : Incomplete by Junsu and Jaebom.