Of Being In The Middle.

I will be 25 this September. I can't believe I am 5 years away from being 30. And I don't think so that I am ready to be 30. Heck! I don't think so that I am ready to be 25 but age doesn't wait for anyone. So does death. But, let's not talk about death - yet.

Let's recap on all the wasted 25 years. Wait! What? Did I just say wasted? I didn't just say that! All my 25 years weren't wasted at all because I don't have regrets. Sure, I did fail here and there but because of all the failures, I am here where I am now. I am now a living proof that I succeed in all the things that I've failed.

Being 24 going to be 25, I feel more responsible. It's not that I didn't feel that before. I did but now - I really do feel it. I a few plans that I made that I must reach before the age of 30. And I promise myself that I must get it done by hook or by crook.

1. To get married by the age of 27 - For this one, maybe not by hook or by crook but yeah, I do feel the damn pressure when most of my friends are married and are getting married. Ever since I was a kid, I felt like for a woman to get married at the age of 27 is ideal enough. But that is not what my mom thinks. She thinks that the ideal age to get married for a woman is 24 onward. Maybe she has a point there but I don't know. If possible, to be honest, I want to get married right now. At this moment I am typing this because I have a guy that I want to spend my entire life with. Mungkin bunyi macam gatal nak kahwin tapi nasib la! Haha! We can't get married yet because both of us are not fully ready. Semua ni kerja Tuhan. Bila da sampai waktu, kahwin la. Sekarang ni, aku dengan dia just kerja and work towards it. InsyaAllah.

2. Own a house - I am planning to invest on a house because it'll be a place for me and my family to live in. Bukan rumah aku dengan Amirrul tapi rumah aku dengan Pok, Umi and adik beradik aku nanti. Kire macam rumah pusaka la. Yeah, that kinda house. Well, my dad has a house in Terengganu but at this moment he's renting it to a family of 7. So he has side income every month. But knowing my dad, moving to Terengganu will be a last resort because well, just don't ask but I know that he won't. The house we are currently living in for the past 12 years is a rental house. So, that is why I want to buy a house so that my whole family will move to the house and all of us will live together. My eldest sister has her own house in Putrajaya so dia boleh duduk sendiri dengan suami and anak-anak dia. And as for my house when I get married later - that is another story that I have to think of. Maybe that one will be under Amirrul's name and I will chip in to pay the bills or what. Yang tu nanti da kahwin pikir la.

3. Finish up my CIDTT - For those of you who didn't know, CIDTT stands for Cambridge International Diploma for Teachers and Trainers. Yes. I am studying at the moment. I know I did mention in my previous entries that I want to finish it up within a year but I can't. So yeah. This is a promise. I will promise my CIDTT before I get married so later when I am married, I won't to think about studies. Hohoho!

4. Get to be a trainer - I trained quite a few times over where I work. I trained new teachers and new admin exect. So, I am kinda getting used to it. I would say that once in every month I will have to train someone. But actually, trainer is my second choice. I want to run a Cambridge center. Have a center on my own and have my own assistant. It'll be a challenge but I will look at it in the eye. I know I can do it, of course. I just need more experience. It's been a straight 4 years now I am with Cambridge. And I know that I can definitely go somewhere from where I am now. There are options if look hard enough. Who knows, I may even be the owner of Cambridge English For Life Sdn. Bhd. one day. Hohohoho!! InsyaAllah. But to be honest, I would rather be a mother of 5 than be a CEO of a company :)

Those 4 are the things that I want to complete before I turn 30. InsyaAllah boleh! Except for the first one. That is because jodoh itu adalah kerja Allah. Saya hanya boleh plan tapi yang approve kan plan saya adalah Dia. So saya hanya boleh berusaha dan bertawakal :)

In life, no matter how many times we fail, it doesn't mean that we are a failure. Keep on trying, keep on praying and InsyaAllah, everything will be paid off.

Of Keropok Lekor

Just face it, Mariam. You have nothing to write. You could hear the noises in your head, talking to you, arguing with you over matters that you yourself don't understand. And yet, here you are trying to put all of your thoughts into words but you just can't. You don't know where to start. You don't know where to begin. Or better still, you don't what to talk about because you don't know what are rummaging in your head now. Pity.

Just cope with them. You shall be fine. You are strong.

Mende la plak merepek ni, Cik Mariam ooii!!! Pegi buat assignment tu weh!

Of Your Wild Channel Hoodie.

I cried myself to sleep last night. I really cried. It didn't make me feel better. It made me feel worse. I know that crying isn't the answer. But what the hell - I cried anyway.

Maybe I cried because I was too emotional. I am having my monthly cycle but I can't use that as a reason. That would be too immature. Having my period is not a reason to be emotional. So why did I cry? Because I was sad. Because I couldn't take it anymore I guess. It was my mistake as well. I should know better. Oh well - it's the past now. No use of bragging about it anyways.

Life is pretty OK lately. Everything wasn't not going smoothly simple because it is life. It may be OK to some and it may not be to the others. For me - there were ups and downs. So I'm all cool. I don't want to complain much cause I know if I do complain - it'll get me nowhere.

I made a surprise visit to Bear's college last Wednesday. Well, not really a surprise because I told him two days earlier. But he was damn happy that I did. And I know that I was happy too. To see the look on his face when I arrived - it literally made my day. And I know it made his too.

I would say that last week was one of the best I've had. No. Not me. But one of the best we've had. We had the chance to spend one whole day to ourselves cause it's been ages since we did that. And both of us were super happy about it. We had breakfast together. OK. Not really breakfast but more like brunch, played games and basically having fun. I wish we could do that everyday.

I'll be 24 in another four months. Wow. That's not long, isn't it?

Time sure flies fast. Feels like just yesterday I dropped out of college and was just about to stand back on my two feet but boy, I'm wrong. It's been four years since I left college and I'm still standing. And I'm proud of it.

Basically - this blog is written cause I had no idea on what to write for my assignments. So yeah - more like a R&R kinda thing. Besides, it's been a while since I last made an entry.

Currently listening to Love Song by Big Bang.

Of wedding vows and nanti la dulu.

One by one of my friends are getting married. Some getting engaged. Wow. Congratulations. And some other - have babies. Legally of course. A friend of mine asked me "Ha ko weh, bile nak kawen? Kereta da ade. Keja da ade. Boyfriend da lame da couple. Kawen je la. Leh la ko join geng aku!" Oh! When she said this I was like "Ar..nanti la weh. Aq tunang la dulu kot. Nanti2 je la aq kawen. Haha.." And I know that that wasn't the answer I wanted to give her. The answer that I wanted to give was actually "........" Really. No joke.

OK. So maybe marriage at this age (23) is something you - or in this case, I - should think about. But the thing is I know that I am not ready to really really commit myself to marriage. I mean - I do want to get married but not now. I want to really really work first. Then - I will marry when the right time comes. Besides - I think there's more to life than thinking about it now. I mean my life that I am currently living in is disorganized so how do you expect me to live my life with someone - whom I think that someone's life is disorganized as well.

Song currently on my play list is I Have A Lover by Megan Lee. Originally sang by Lee Eun Mi.

Of Daegu Turtle

My lower wisdom tooth is killing me. I mean - literally. It's bleeding and you could (well, I could actually) see the gum swells. It's white and reddish as well and why the hell am I telling you I have no idea. I guess I just want to share. So yeah - I may want to extract it out but teeth are the only bones that I can see and I feel bad if I extract the last one out. But then again - according to the net - if I do not take good care of my wisdom teeth (all four) they will kinda like make the other bad...?? WHAT?? kalau tak jaga gigi bongsu sume nanti die akan berlubang and merebak ke gigi lain. so tu yang pikir nk cabut ke tak. so far yang sakit yang belah kanan bawah. Haha - I guess it's better if I explain it in Bahasa :)

I've been watching this anime tittle Angel Beats. About teenage souls trap in an afterlife where they are building a battlefront to fight an angel to see whether does God exist or not. macam tu la lebey kurang. The main character is a guy named Otonashi Yuzuru and he died cause he had a very bad heart problem. In the afterlife - a place where they go to school, play baseball and have missions to steal people's lunch coupons - he met a girl name Yuri. She's the leader of this Afterlife Battlefront group thingy. Anyway - things go on and yeah - one by one vaporize cause if you live your life as how you want it to be - you'll vanish. In order word - you'll meet God. actually agak susah nak explain cite ni cause die mcm susah sikit. sebenarnye senang je nak explain tapi mcm nk susun ayat yg susah. lol. I like the anime so I bought the DVD.

And lately I've been listening to 2PM - another Korean band. I don't know. Maybe cause they are different. I mean - Korean songs are. Before this I've listened to Avenged Sevenfold, All Time Low, Escape The Fate and those Warp Tour bands which I think is actually overrated now cause I - personally - think that most people listen to them. So yeah whatever. Anyway - I'm happy with what I am listening too. So should you.

My aunt passed away on the 20th October 2010. I was sad of course but somewhere in my heart - I was happy or rather thankful that she passed away. This was because she had cancers. Yup. That's cancer with a "s". It was breast and later it was brain - which took her life away. I will miss her - no doubt about that but I am not going to wallow in the past about this. Life has to go on. Let the dead be. We - the living - must go on. One day - we will die. trying to be "filosofik" what? is that even a word??!! :O

Current song playing : Incomplete by Junsu and Jaebom.

Of A Friend's Confession

I am currently listening to 2AM's song called A Friend's Confession. Yes. I do love the song. I love the lyrics as well. I do love their vocals' harmonization (trying to sound smart). Especially maknae's voice. Jinwoon - if I'm not mistaken.

We are now in August. Another few more months and we'll be facing the year 2011. And looking back at all these times - what have I accomplished? OK. I don't want to think now. I just want to see how it goes so far. And so far - I think it's all good. Studying is OK. Although I have tons of things to do - assignments, reports to write, observation forms to be filled in and such. One thing at a time and I think I should be able to do it. Three years ain't that long though.

My class that I am teaching currently is getting pretty much in control. Yeah I do love the kids. They absorb my energy like sponges! Literally. At first it was just three kids but now I have seven and counting. That's pretty OK for a junior class learning phonics. Sometimes I felt like telling them off to just sit and do nothing cause I was so frustrated by their attitudes but most of the time - I enjoy having them once a week for 2 hours. And that whole 2 hours feels like eternity. I do love my students. I tend not to have bias or favourite. It's simply because I don't want to. Besides, I think it's not professional to have bias or favourite. For me - they are all the same. All are eager to learn. Some are smart. Some are not so. And some - well, just doesn't know English at all. But no matter - I take that as a challenge cause I know I can do it.

Yeay! I am going to Phuket this month! Another week and I'll be off to Phuket with my colleagues. All of them. Well - except two cause they are staying for exam prep and another one - well simply cause she's anti -social. Sorry. Last year I went to Manila for four days and three nights. This time around it'll be for three days and two nights. Well, less days but so what! I'll be visiting the Gem Factory, Simone Cabaret Show and some James Bond Island. Oh God I can't wait! I am really going places! I just hope next year, I'll be as good as this year. Maybe even better!

That's pretty much how life goes on now. It's the fasting month and this year - I'll be celebrating Eid Fitri alone is Malaysia cause my whole family will be going to Mecca for two weeks straight. So what I am going to do on first day of Eid Fitri is sleep in the whole day! Yes!! And the second day - maybe watch a movie I think. I have to see my budget as well. Haha. Money is like water actually. No money, no talk.

Bear. He's back. I have this butterflies again whenever I speak to him on the phone. Oh - I think I know what is happening. Or what will happen.

"I will give you pain as much as the scars you've given me..."

Of Khaay Casa

100 Crap Load of Things About A Girl *taken from Khaay Casa*

1. A girl will always, always, always find out if you lie, so dont do it.

2. We don't like talking dirty as much as you like hearing it.

3. We aren’t as open about what we do in private as you are so don't ask.

4. Don’t ask a girl about her weight, she'll freak out.

5. Beware of every single male relative and all guy friends. Any of them would kick your butt if you hurt her.

6. Don't be afraid to touch them if you want to. If they're going out with you in the first place, it's because they like being in your arms.

7. A girl will do almost ANYTHING to bring your name up in a conversation.

8. Girls always talk about guys, ALWAYS. So don't even think about cheating, because we will find out.

9. We don't like being called sexy or hot. Calling us beautiful will always score you more points.

10. PMS: it really does make us feel like shit, so don’t be grossed out by it because then it just makes us feel worse about ourselves.

11. We want to be with you. It doesn’t matter where, it doesn’t matter when, we just want to be with you.

12. If you kiss us in front of your friends, jackpot. :)

13. If we slap you, you deserved it bitch.

14. We don’t mind paying for half of everything. But we know it makes you look like an asshole to everyone else. :(

15. A girl should always get three things from her boyfriend during the period of the relationship: a stuffed animal; a sweatshirt of his; a ring or a necklace, no matter how serious the relationship is.

16. If a guy is bothering us and we tell you, it’s not because we’re trying to piss you off, it’s because we’re scared and want you to protect us.

17. When she texts you late at night, it’s because she can’t get you out of her head.

18. We're very jealous, so if you’re talking to your girl friend (friend that is a girl) , pull your actual girlfriend closer to you, to make her feel more important.

19. When she’s mad at you, kiss her.

20. When she’s not mad at you, kiss her.

21. When she’s upset, kiss her. (Do you see a pattern?)

22. DO NOT flirt with our friends or relatives, even jokingly. It pisses us off.

23. Guys that smell good = hot.

24. NOT EVERY GIRL IS GOING TO BE A SIZE 3 so learn to deal with that, and look for something more in a girl than just being able to pull off a bikini, because very few can.

25. When she’s upset and she puts her head on your shoulder, she wants you to put your arm around her and tell her everything is gonna be okay.

26. When a girl bites her lip, she wants you to kiss her.

27. Don’t beat around the bush. If you want to know something, just ask us. If we don’t tell you, then we don’t want you to know. Point blank.

28. When she asks you what she should wear, it’s because she wants you to think about her looking cute.

29. Girls like wearing sweats more than tight jeans and little tees so don’t even judge a girl by what she wears to school.

30. Cute love letters, flowers in her locker, and surprise hugs will always score you major points.

31. No matter how much of a bitch she may be, you HAVE to be nice to the best friend(s) because they are going to know your relationship inside and out.

32. If you introduce us to your friends and you’re going out, you damn better call us your girlfriend or we will move on.

33. When we complain about something hurting, we really mean touch me here.

34. Girls love when you play with their hair and touch their face. It most definitely will make a girl blush and smile.

35. It’s hard for us to trust people, but once we trust you we honestly and truly trust you.

36. If you don’t think the relationship is going anywhere, TELL US. Don’t go and tell your

friends and then break up with us. It will seriously scar us for the rest of our lives.

37. Girls like being picked up and carried around, but BE CAREFUL. We’re fragile. :)

38. Girls love a guy that can make them laugh.

39. Ex-girlfriends piss us off. So if you’re not sure if you’re over them or not, don’t even bother with us.

40. Girls love it when guys comment on our eyes. It shows that you’re looking at us. Not our boobs.

41. Don’t tell us that you understand when you don’t.

42. When were mad at you, we’re freaking mad, so let us cool off before you say you’re sorry.

43. We always dream about being kissed in the rain

44. Once you tell a girl that you can play the guitar or you can sing, she will wait for the day when you perform for her and she will fall for you. :)

45. Sensitivity is a good thing, but don’t make us be the man in the relationship. We want someone that’s gonna protect us. Not someone that we're gonna have to comfort every night. We have enough insecurities of our own.

46. Girls like guys that are spontaneous. If you like a girl, walk up to her and be like “Wow your gorgeous can i have your number?”, seriously it makes our day. :)

47. If a girl really trusts you, she will tell you everything that’s bothering her, so listen don’t just tune out and ignore us, it’s a major thing if we tell you that stuff.

48. Seriously, we hate when you play your xbox more then you talk to us. If you love that

thing so much, date it not me.

49. When a girl asks you to call her, it’s because she wants to fall asleep to your voice

50. If we're dating, there always has to be tension. Sometimes we're just gonna pick a fight with you because everything can’t always be perfect, so don’t take it to heart.

51. Guys, we know you’re competitive, but let us win every once in a while, otherwise we're gonna think you’re cocky and that right there is a major turn off.

52. Girls like playing little cute games like 20 questions or what if.

53. We really don’t care as much about what a guy looks like as much as you guys care about how a girl looks. Personality is number 1.

54. All a girl usually looks for in a guy (physically) is a nice smile and honest eyes.

55. Girls like videogames too, so don’t always assume were cute little mall girls.

56. Some girls like sports too, and if she and you watch a football game, she’s gonna root for her team, sorry baby.

57. We loooove being told that you were thinking about us all day

58. If a girl constantly runs her fingers through her hair, she’s doing it to get your attention,

some kind of sexual hint that she likes you. :)

59. We don’t like when you texting when you’re with us, unless you’re texting the guy next to you asking for tips, because we do the same thing. :)

60. Being nice and cute will always make a girl talk about you. Always.

61. Don’t ever lie to us and then say oh it was a test. No, that was the end of our relationship.

62. Don’t EVER text us saying “Hey baby what’s up?” and then saying oh sorry wrong text. Believe me, it has happened.

63. A girl will spend hours on her appearance, so always compliment her on it.

64. A girl really only wants to make you happy.

65. When a girl says, “Should I dye my hair or should I change my (insert body part here)?” the answer is ALWAYS " Baby, your perfect the way you are."

66. In my opinion, a girl will only ask a guy’s advice if she really trusts him.

67. There is no such thing as a shy girl after the age of 16. After that, all girls are acting.

68. The minute a girl decides to be with you, she's already decided that anytime you need it, she'll sacrifice anything necessary to get it to you. Anything, anytime, anywhere.

69. Always call her when you say you will, it may not seem like it, but it does hurt her and makes her think you don’t care so call even if you can only talk for a minute. Girls don’t necessarily have to have hour long conversations every night but it’s nice for us to hear your voice even for a quick hello.

70. If you’re listening to music, let her listen too.

71. If you DIDN’T sleep with us, DON’T tell your friends you did.

72. If you DID sleep with us, DONT tell your friends you did.

73. She loves when you play with her hands

74. Kissing her on the stomach will always make her smile

75. Whisper "I love you" in her ear and she will be turned on. BUT DON’T SAY IT UNLESS YOU MEAN IT!!!

76. When we come home from a date with you, it’s always adorable when you text us three seconds after we get home saying "I miss you."

77. Okay, you knew it was coming. Memorize our birthdays and call us at 12:00mn. It makes a world of difference.

78. DONT EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER HIT, PUSH, SHOVE, SLAPP, OR HURT A GIRL IN ANY WAY.

79. Don’t be late, it hurts us a lot.

80. When you say you’re gonna do something, do it damnitt.

81. We think about you all the time.

82. If you’re sitting next to us in class and we're working on something, it’s cute to get a note saying "Hi baby :)" and it will make us smile.

83. Girls don't always want to hang out with girls. Just because we have guy friends does not mean that we want to be with them. We probably already had the chance and didn't take it

84. Don’t expect us to make the same mistakes your ex did. If we do, it is not because there is some huge conspiracy against you. Maybe you’re making a mistake, not us. Don’t compare our mistakes to hers.

85. We know you don't care about what happened in our day, but listen. It hurts us a lot when you don't pay attention.

86. We don't like to be nagged about where we are going or what we are doing either, but we usually hear you out.

87. We're emotional and act in mysterious ways, but you are pushing a huge button when you call us crazy.

88. Girls will stare at their phone until we get a call or text from you.

89. When we're with you, we will always try to sit/ stand next to you, just hoping for the chance to touch you in even the smallest possible way.

90. NEVER EVER call a girl stupid or do anything to imply that she is mentally inferior to you. She will remember you for it for the rest of your life.

91. Girls are suckers for little animals, so if you have a dog, she will most likely go “Awwww.” Because it proves to us you actually have a sensitive side. Don’t ask me how, it just does.

92. We're not trying to betray you when we ask your guy friends advice on our relationship with you. They know you best, and we're probably only saying good things about you anyway

93. When we go out, we don’t always want to go see a movie. Change it up let’s do something exciting.

94. Poetry is always a plus. :)

95. Girls always jump to conclusions, so don’t act innocent unless you really are. And if you’re not you better have a good excuse or we’re gonna assume the worst.

96. Don’t make bets about us, we always find out.

97. Most girls are ticklish. It’s cute when guys tickle us.

98. No girl just wants to be your "friend with benefits".

99. It’s sexy when you grab our butts when you make out with us. :)

100. NEVER mess with a girl's emotions just to test her or see what happens. That's really mean.